Being a Heat-hater, as I talked about in a previous post, I watched the Heat-Bulls game on ABC on Sunday afternoon. (Well as much as I could stay awake for. I really struggle making it through some of those NBA games). The Heat came out hot, the Bulls didn't panic, and Derrick Rose did what D-Rose does. Before ya know it, we're in the final seconds and Luol Deng needs to sink a couple of free throws to tie the game. He drains the first but hits the back iron on the second and the ball comes off the rim for a long rebound. No one boxes out the shooter and Mike Miller is forced to push Deng to keep him from getting the board. Deng gets two more free ones and coolly sinks them both. Now the Bulls have a one point lead with about 17 seconds left. The ball gets inbounded to LeBron and he immediately removes any doubt about who's gonna take the shot. The Heat go iso and LeBron drives the left side of the lane. He throws up a lay-up with about three Bulls in his face that never had a chance. Hell, he didn't even get rim. There's still time and D-Wade grabs the offensive board. He chucks up a 17 footer from the baseline. I thought it was good. It wasn't. It rimmed out. I live in Minnesota and I could feel the air go outta that place. I almost felt bad for them until I came to my senses and gave LeBron the finger as he hurried to the locker room. The locker room is where all the fun happened.
Once Coach Eric Spoelstra made it to his post-game interview to answer a million more questions about losing their zillionth close game, he revealed that some of his players were so emotionally distraught after the game that they were reduced to tears. The first thing that came to mind was LeBron bawling his eyes out and being consoled, to no avail, by Bosh and Wade.
"There, there LeBron. It's only one game. You're still The King. Nike will pay you no matter how bad we suck. Besides, no one blames you. We've convinced the media that it's Spoelstra's fault. You have nothing to worry about."
Then I enter the locker room, walk right over to LeBron, who is now in the fetal position, and start licking the tears off his face, just like Cartman licked the tears of Scott Tenorman in the classic South Park episode. I whisper in his ear, "MJ never cried..at least not until after he won a championship," and I quietly saunter out of the locker room, giving D-Wade the OK to go back and console his sobbing teammate.
But let's go back to reality for a second. WHAT did Spoelstra just say?! Grown men? Crying?! Oh god. This is too good. I can't believe Spoelstra would rat out his own players like that. It's one thing to say that they're upset. It's something completely different to tell the world that your own boys are crying. I guess it was an attempt to show everyone how much they care and how much it hurts. I. for one, would much rather see all that effort on the court than in the locker room. A coach shouldn't have to illustrate how much a team cares by telling us that they were crying. My God. The situation is South Beach is worse than I thought.
LeBron, you need to grow up in a hurry. I got two suggestions for you: 1) Got some of those hideous tattoos removed, and 2) Give the ball to Dwayne Wade in crunch time. He'll win a couple games for ya. You've proven to us over and over again that you just can't handle it. Let someone else give 'er a whirl. It's not like the situation can get any worse. It might save you a few tears. Besides, how does that one song go? Oh yeah. Big girls don't cry.
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